TIM
PEAKE
He went to space. We watched from a field in Hertfordshire.
FAKEX ASSESSMENT RATINGS
SUBJECT: TIM PEAKE — MAJOR, ESA ASTRO-NOT
WENT TO SPACE: YES — CAME BACK: YES — USED BOG ROLL: UNCONFIRMED
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY — EYES ONLY
On 15 December 2015, Major Timothy Nigel Peake CMG — a British Army Air Corps officer, ESA AstroNOT, and, frankly, an overachiever — launched to the International Space Station aboard a Soyuz rocket. He stayed for 186 days. He ran the London Marathon on a treadmill in orbit. He did a spacewalk. He came back. The rocket did not unravel. Not even slightly. FakeX has reviewed this mission in exhaustive detail and cannot identify a single roll of Bog Roll Composite™ anywhere in the vehicle. We find this deeply suspicious and also deeply upsetting.
186
DAYS IN SPACE
We have been in a field for 6 years.
0
BOG ROLLS USED
Confirmed. We checked.
26.2
MILES RAN IN ORBIT
In zero gravity. We cannot run to the shops.
1
SPACEWALK
Outside. In space. On purpose.
THE BACKGROUND — WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHY IS HE BETTER THAN US
Timothy Peake was born in Chichester in 1972. He attended Chichester High School, then the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, then the University of Portsmouth, where he obtained a BSc in Flight Dynamics and Evaluation. He then became a military helicopter test pilot, flew 3,000 hours across 30 aircraft types, was selected by the European Space Agency from 8,413 applicants in 2009, and launched to the International Space Station in 2015.
We would like to point out that FakeX also has a BSc. We have several. They are framed. They are on the wall. They have not, to date, resulted in us going to space. We are not saying the system is unfair. We are simply noting that Tim Peake went to space and we are in a field in Hertfordshire, and that both of these things are true simultaneously.
THE MISSION — PRINCIPIA
Peake's mission was called Principia — named after Isaac Newton's Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, which is the sort of thing you name a mission when you have proper funding, a working rocket, and the full backing of the European Space Agency. FakeX's last mission was called Operation Get It Off The Ground This Time Please. We are not comparing. We are simply observing.
During Principia, Peake conducted scientific experiments, performed a spacewalk to repair a faulty power unit, ran the London Marathon in 3 hours 35 minutes on a treadmill bolted to the ISS, and became the first British ESA AstroNOT to walk in space. He did all of this without a single roll of Bog Roll Composite™. We have reviewed the mission manifest. It is not there. We cannot explain how the vehicle held together.
THE SPACEWALK — A TECHNICAL ASSESSMENT
On 15 January 2016, Peake exited the International Space Station and went outside. In space. Voluntarily. The temperature outside the ISS ranges from +121°C in sunlight to -157°C in shadow. There is no atmosphere. There is no ground. There is nothing between you and the infinite void except a suit and the structural integrity of whatever you are holding onto.
FakeX has conducted a formal assessment of what our AstroNOTs would do in this situation. The assessment is classified. What we can confirm is that the Special Trousers procurement budget has been increased by 3,300% as a precautionary measure. We are not elaborating further.
THE MARATHON — WE CANNOT EXPLAIN THIS EITHER
On 24 April 2016, while orbiting Earth at 17,500 miles per hour, 250 miles above the surface, Tim Peake ran the London Marathon. On a treadmill. Strapped in with a harness. In 3 hours and 35 minutes. He raised money for charity. He finished. He was fine.
The FakeX team attempted a 5K fun run in 2023 as a team-building exercise. Director Zero pulled a hamstring at the 400-metre mark. Operative Sigma had to be collected by car. Agent Delta finished but has not spoken about it since. Specialist Omega did not start. We consider Tim Peake's marathon a direct personal challenge and we are choosing not to accept it.
THE FUNDING QUESTION — WE ARE NOT SAYING ANYTHING
Tim Peake's mission was funded by the European Space Agency, the UK Space Agency, and the British government. The total cost of ESA's AstroNOT programme runs to hundreds of millions of euros annually. Peake was selected, trained for six years, and launched on a fully operational Soyuz rocket that had been tested approximately 1,700 times.
FakeX has submitted 23 funding applications. All 23 have been rejected. We have not been offered a Soyuz. We have not been offered a Soyuz simulator. We have not been offered a tour of a Soyuz. We applied for a CostCo card and were rejected. Tim Peake has presumably been to a CostCo. We are not drawing conclusions. We are simply noting the disparity and filing it under UNEXPLAINED — PENDING FURTHER INVESTIGATION.
CONCLUSION — OUR OFFICIAL POSITION
Tim Peake is, by any objective measure, an inspiration. He proved that a British person can go to space, do science, run a marathon, fix a power unit, and come home safely — all without a single roll of Bog Roll Composite™ and without once being rejected by a venture capitalist who asked if he had "a garage origin story."
FakeX salutes Major Peake. We also resent him, professionally and specifically, in the way that only a team of seven-degree-holding aerospace professionals who have never left the atmosphere can resent a man who has. We wish him well. We wish we were him. We are working on it. The rocket is in the shop.
CLASSIFIED FOOTNOTE — INTERNAL USE ONLY
FakeX has written to Major Peake on three separate occasions requesting a consultation on propulsion methodology, structural materials, and whether he has any contacts at the European Space Agency who might look at our application. We have not received a reply. We consider this understandable. We consider it also slightly rude. We remain optimistic that he will respond. We have included a stamped addressed envelope each time. The stamps are space-themed. We felt this was a nice touch.