SENSITIVE SUBJECT — DIGNITY PROTOCOLS IN EFFECT — READ WITH COMPASSION
SPECIAL
TROUSERS
The harness is a clear and obvious piece of safety equipment for people who go to space. FakeX has never required one. We have never got off the ground far enough to need one. What we DO require, however, are Special Trousers. For reasons we are not entirely proud of.
FOOTAGE DESCRIPTION: A harness. A clear, obvious, functional harness. Used by people who go high enough to need one. We watched this footage in silence. Then we looked at each other. Then we looked at our Special Trousers. Nobody said anything. We moved on.
THE HARNESS
A harness is worn when you go very high. It keeps you attached to the vehicle. It prevents you from floating away into the void. It is, by all accounts, extremely useful.
FakeX has never required a harness. Our AstroNOTs have never been in any danger of floating away. They have been in danger of many other things. Floating was not one of them. The ground was always very close.
THE SPECIAL TROUSERS
What our AstroNOTs DO require are Special Trousers. Fitted individually. Reinforced. Discreet. Designed for rapid access and rapid clean-up. Because most of what FakeX does goes horribly wrong.
When a Bog Roll Rocket begins to unravel at T+3.3 seconds, the human body responds in ways that are entirely understandable and entirely unavoidable. We do not judge. We simply procure the trousers.
"WE HAVE NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND FAR ENOUGH TO NEED A HARNESS. WE HAVE ALWAYS GOT OFF THE GROUND FAR ENOUGH TO NEED THE TROUSERS."
— FAKEX ASTRONOT WELFARE DIVISION, INTERNAL BRIEFING NOTE #33
OFFICIAL FAKEX STATEMENT ON TROUSER POLICY
FakeX takes the welfare of its AstroNOTs extremely seriously. The Special Trousers programme is fully funded, discreetly administered, and never discussed at launch briefings. Each AstroNOT is fitted individually by our in-house Trouser Technician — a role that did not exist in 2020 and now represents our largest single headcount. We are proud of this. We are also a little sad about it. Both things are true.
— FakeX AstroNOT Welfare & Trouser Division. Est. 2020. Busier than expected.