ACTIVE ENGINEERING CRISIS — RESOLUTION PENDING — DO NOT LAUNCH
HOW DO
THEY DO
THAT?
The outer skin of the rocket is peeling away. Then, somehow, it stops. We have watched this footage 33 times. We are no closer to understanding it. Our engineers are standing by. Our rockets are not.
FOOTAGE DESCRIPTION: The outer thermal protection layer — what we at FakeX refer to internally as "the skin" and externally as "totally fine" — can be seen separating from the rocket body during ascent. This is what the industry calls a Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly of the cosmetic layer. We call it a Peel-Off. Our legal team has asked us to stop calling it that.
THE PROBLEM
When the outer skin of a rocket begins to peel away at speed, the aerodynamic forces involved are, to use the technical term, absolutely enormous. The flapping creates drag. The drag creates heat. The heat creates more peeling. It is a cycle. A very bad cycle.
For rockets built from conventional aerospace-grade materials, this is a serious but manageable engineering challenge. For rockets built from our proprietary Bog Roll Composite™ — a revolutionary single-ply cellulose laminate — it is, frankly, catastrophic.
OUR EXPERIENCE
In our 47 attempted missions, we have experienced 44 Peel-Off events. Of the 3 missions that succeeded, 2 were unmanned and 1 was a weather balloon that we are counting anyway.
The moment a Peel-Off begins, our Bog Roll Rocket Ships lose all structural integrity within approximately 3.3 seconds. The rocket does not explode. It simply... unravels. Like a very expensive, very fast toilet roll.
"IT DOES NOT EXPLODE. IT SIMPLY UNRAVELS. LIKE A VERY EXPENSIVE, VERY FAST TOILET ROLL."
— FAKEX INTERNAL INCIDENT REPORT #33, STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY DIVISION
FOOTAGE DESCRIPTION: Against all known laws of aerodynamics, material science, and common sense, the outer skin can be seen here ceasing its flapping behaviour entirely. The rocket continues upward. The skin stays on. Our 33 engineers have watched this footage a combined total of 1,089 times. Not one of them can explain it. We are considering hiring a 34th engineer. We are also considering that the answer may not be engineering.
OFFICIAL FAKEX STATEMENT
We are aware of the Peel-Off problem. We are working on it. We have been working on it since Mission 1. We are confident that a solution exists. We are less confident that we will find it. In the meantime, we have increased our toilet roll procurement budget by 3,300%. We consider this a reasonable interim measure. Do not be alarmed. We are professionals.
— FakeX Structural Integrity Division, London. Est. never, technically.